When I Want Both

Is loving two infidelity? Is keeping both loves selfishness? Should you let go of one? But what if both make you happy? Is it a sin?
For years now, I have been caught in between two. They didn’t fight over me. My relationship with both was smooth-sailing. I spent my days with one, my nights with the other. That seemed pretty fair. I was happy with both. The 1st was my high school love, though. But even that time, I was already spending time building the 2nd. Upon I spent happy months in the 1st relationship established until the other came calling. The 2nd was accompanied by my closest friends and they wanted us to hang out more. They took the majority of my time. And there, my 1st relationship started dying. Did I want it back? At that moment, no. I was so happy with the 2nd, why bother? 10 months of happiness. Then I wanted to break off, for some particular reasons. I missed the 1st. I wanted to fix what was lost. Stupid me. I left my 1st to die covered with cobwebs now I want to brush them all off and fix stuff. But did I have to choose? A friend told me I didn’t have to. I can have both. I thought I should only have a heart for one. He said it wasn’t necessary. So, I decided to keep both relationships. It was a risk but I compromised.
it was Dad who reintroduced me to the 1st that I established a relationship with. He texted me saying that he wanted to show me something. So I went to JB Music, where my Dad was waiting for me and he gave me a huge grin and showed me his surprise. I stared in shock. There he stood, white and beautiful, waiting patiently for me, only for me. Dad asked me if I wanted him, I asked if it was ok to him, all he said was “I’m game if you’re game.” I said I was and that’s where things rolled. I was given my 1st guitar, my 1st electric guitar. It wasn’t any of my Dad’s hand-me-down acoustics. It was a white Fender Squier. And it was mine. But that time though, I was still hooked with dancing so my enthusiasm for my Fender (Which I wanted to name Skye) wasn’t very high. This hurt Dad, of course, but I tried my very best to play with it. It was my very 1st. I gave up on dancing as I slowly got reacquainted with playing the guitar. Skye will be coming to Manila by July and I’m so excited. But could I handle dance and Skye at the same time? Could I dance with hip-hop and play Skye’s strings and give both the same amount of lobve and time? It’s worth a try. I am not supposed to choose, I don’t want to choose because both have my heart and I cannot live with just one.

A Love Left

I told myself I was leaving for good. I said I was no longer coming back. I was finally turning my back, trying to show the world that I was strong enough to leave one of my greatest loves. It was for my good, I say, and also for my academics and my relationship with my parents. Ever since I fell in love, my academics were jeopardized and I had constant fights with my parents to the point of me breaking down on the phone while talking to them asking for their understanding and acceptance. Dad finally gave in. But as the months passed by, I thought was it all worth it? Was this relationship something I wanted to keep till forever died out? I decided to seek some advice and one afternoon, while having a coffee break with mom, I finally broke the news to my mother. She was shocked by my decision. I was shocked, too. I told her I wanted out after all those months where I tried to gain their approval and now that I finally have it, I’m telling them I want out. I explained my side, the pros and cons and she just listened and after my long speech she simply said, “It’s a good thing you finally realized that.” It felt weird to say that I was finally breaking off. I didn’t know how to tell the person concerned. I didn’t know whose heart would have been broken in the process once I utter the words “I’m leaving.” But I finally managed to do so. I left and walked away.I didn’t feel hurt or lonely. Up until now.
I didn’t do anything or looked at anything that reminded me of that relationship, until I opened my laptop and decided to check out some old files. I popped in a burned VCD given to me by a friend on my 18th birthday. I watched the videos I used to enjoy, of certain memories I had linked to what I had before. And that’s when it hit me. I wasn’t ready to end our relationship. I wanted it back. But was I willing to go through all the hardship again? I didn’t know. But was I willing to return to the happiness I felt? Yes. Was I willing to go back because of the reason I entered the relationship for in the 1st place? Yes.
I’m still unsure until up to this moment. There are still many things I can’t accept. But I know that my heart is still attached. I left a part of me there and I want it back. I want everything back. I want them back. UP Street, I still miss you. I still love to dance. I came to UP in hope that I could soon bear the title as UP Street Dance Club member. I took a chance, was given the opportunity, hurdled the trials, and now I’m letting go? I don’t know what seems right. But many stuff at this moment are pointing to a yes, I have to go back. I just hope I have enough will power.